My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face......
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My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of redhead matches.
His little face lit up when he tried to walk... unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
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I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards.
All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake ......... Some of us have got homes to go to!'
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Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What do you feel like for dinner my love ...... chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Chicken, please.'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'
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Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him England...
