Friday - One Liners :)

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.

I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face......

…………………


My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of redhead matches.

His little face lit up when he tried to walk... unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

…………………


I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards.

All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake ......... Some of us have got homes to go to!'

…………………


Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What do you feel like for dinner my love ...... chicken, beef or lamb?'

I said, 'Chicken, please.'

She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

…………………

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him England...