Brighten up your Wednesday

Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night. They didn't get any of my jokes but they still peed themselves.

I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me, I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.

Teacher says to little Tommy 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?'
Tommy says 'My grandfather got burnt.'
Teacher says 'Badly?'
Little Tommy says 'Yes Miss, they don't mess about at the crematorium.'

Paddy texts his wife...
"Mary, I’m just having one more pint with the lads. If I’m not back in 20 minutes, read this message again."

Very good