Know any jokes

The missus told me she was having trouble logging out.
I said have you tried Allbran

Lol

VISIT TO POLAND:

On her recent visit to Poland, German Chancellor Angela Merkel was asked
the following questions on her arrival at the Warsaw airport -

Nationality ? German.
Occupation ? No, visit.

what do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
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full

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death!!
John.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Considering we'v had a Footballer a Marathon runner and now a Swimmer suffer from Heart attacks... Being a Fat Fu*ker is starting to look like the Healthy option for me.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop anytime....



I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!



My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.



I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up.The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.



Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.



Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"


I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.



I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said "you're obviously not listening"

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The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.



The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."



When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloomin thing...



Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.





Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!



A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked.



Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service...

someone just used up all their comedy credits for the year.

Craig David's just been called in to help the British Olympic Archery team...he's going to be the bo selecta!

Took the missus out last night.....
One punch....

Two policemen pulled a car in the town the other day and said to the driver and his friend they were looking for two rapists... After some arguing in there foreign language they said " will do it"

A police officer pulled over a guy in a heavily off-road modified, beat up, muddy Jimny.

The police officer asks the driver how the heck does he measure the speed since he does not even have a speedometer in the cabin any more.

The guy replies:
"Well, from 20 km/h to 40 km/h my roll cage shakes, from 40 km/h to 60 km/h my steering wheel shakes, and above 60 km/h I shake".